Three months from now I will most likely be on a plane for somewhere in America. Three months ago I signed a form that made it impossible for me to stay in my town. At that time that was the path I had to take so I made the decision also knowing that if I were to come back to America I could then not live in the loophole of life that Japan offers people like me. Still, almost every other JET teacher I know and like is staying next year; I am the abnormality and the one who has to leave everyone else. And I don't blame them for wanting to stay in such a nice place with such accomodating jobs.
Today I shaved my head. Now my hair is around 12mm short. Back in the day shaving my head used to make me feel like a new person; today it did not exactly do that (but it does feel nice to have taken the weight off of my head and to allow the extra air to reach my scalp).
This year I learned a lot about how a human brain (namely mine) can work. I learned that the pathways in my brain could be channeled and set on courses that are very hard to change - and in the scenario where they must be changed it is not an easy task. (I apologize for the necessary vagueness of this idea).
It just so happens that after I shaved my head today I went on a run in my new shoes, which felt like running on air... And after that run I ran into one of my favorite students, the jokster Hideaki. Then, in the best Japanese that he's probably ever heard Tedo-sensei utter, I told him that I only have three months left. He was surprised and I think that a tear almost welled up in his eyes. He had had no idea of course. Somehow it's kept a big secret. But I imagine that to almost every one of the students here they assume that I am a relatively permanent mantle piece of their school life despite the fact that I arrived less than a year ago. I am not feeling good about breaking the pathways in their brains that makes them think this way. I know it will be a sad day when I must give my farewell speech. Empathy hurts.
Which brings me to a thought I had about emotional tipping points: how for so long you can feel almost emotion-less and then there is a point where it all changes and hits you. Perhaps some people have a more steady flow of certain emotions; sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't be better for society if people were more in touch with the emotional truth of events in their lives. But how to? I wonder how a life of moving from place to place affects how one emotes...
That's [more than] enough from my head for you tonight.
Your Buddy, Ted
3 comments:
sometimes i think we as humans, both consciously and unconsciously, embrace a state of emotionless as though it was challange that we have succeeded at and a state of mind we have proudly obtained. Yet, i think it is more primitive this superficial idea and rather it points to the fact that sometimes this is one's only way of surviving.
Three months is still a long time to enjoy all that your town and this country has to offer. Embrace each and every moment of what will come your way...especially those goodbye parties that will start happening~soon.
Every beginning needs to have an end, but smile because it happened :)
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