The Land of Endless Self-Projections

You've probably noticed by now something funny about these articles here if you have been so patient as to read the words writ in them... That funny thing that may have been more obvious or less obvious than I imagine is that in my various musings, which range from human nature to the state of Japan, I have been guilty of projecting my own sentiments and emotions here on to them. In fact the ideas represented may be more a product of my internal states than of the states external to me.

Although it is exceedinly self-analytical, and perhaps self-indulgent, I wanted to be open about this fact. Sometimes, like right now for instance, I feel as though these entries are my confessions.

Perhaps this is why I am always so apologetic and this is why I named it all TedsTrips. I want to be honest about just how subjective this all really is. Just as the photos were taken from my point of view, from my exact points in space and time at the time of capture (or at least the camera in my hand's points in space and time), the words I write are similarly created.

To continue in this potentially uncalled-for, or even futile, honesty I will write that tonight I went to bed at eleven and could not sleep. Perhaps it was that my body was not tired (I had napped earlier sitting at my heater-under-the-table-with-blanket contraption that is popular in Japan (kotatsu?)), but I also has a strange notion/emotion come over me. The immense silence of being alone at night in my house, in this town can often create these strange emotions. The only breaks in the silence are of passing cars on the road just above my house, but they provide little in terms of company. This notion/feeling was one of a certain kind of fear, or at least it involved fear. The idea that I was only half alive had come over me. That in this silence and solitude I had felt the absence of friends and that made me feel as though I was floating and as though all my life here would float away just as my time in England, only about 15 months ago, has already seemed to have floated away.

So I called my dear friend Sam who is currently living and studying in New Haven. He has three really long essays to turn in by the 19th but he spared me the time as a rare friend does. Talking through the internet we chatted for a good half an hour (midnight here is morning on the East Coast so it's convenient). Now I feel at least not alone with this notion/feeling, although it still looms within me. Although I cherish this time of reflection, learning, and relative freedom, I yearn to not let me life slip away like this. I feel as though I should be older now, but something tells me that I'll be even less likely to want to be this isolated when I am older. So I wait, patiently, and I try to be grateful of what I have here while I still have it.

Soon I will post some photos of where I live, work, walk, etc. in order that you all can finally get a more realistic picture of what life is like here (not just for me, but on a more objective level). Then, in not so long, I will make another one of my life's small escapes - this time for vacation on my home island deep in the Pacific. I will be there for a month and that month will, most of it, be a break from this log of contemplation and self-expression. Soon after I get back after break I will be asked to hand in recontracting paperwork if I wish to stay another year. I surely welcome any advice from any parties who wish to give advice although I must say that things always seem different from afar. I am sure that when I do leave this town, for I will certainly leave eventually, it could be more than slightly heartbreaking. Not that there won't be things I am happy to move on from, but that there are things that I will never find again. Like the purity of heart in the kids here and the kindness of so many people and my first experience learning Japanese from scratch, much of it directly from the mouths of people here who are kind enough to help me along my way. Then there is the family that invites me to eat with them, to explore distant temples and shrines. These are things that cannot ever be replaced.